How often have you felt guilty for lashing out at children? How often have you revisited painful experiences of the past while you are currently parenting? How often have you prayed enough and ensured that your child doesn’t have to go through the same thing again?
Being a new parent is like carrying a heavy bag of mixed emotions, all the time. There is a tremendous amount of curiosity, anticipation, little fear, and a whole lot of anxiety. There is a lot of joy in and out, a higher rush of hormones and emotions, constant worries, laughter, and love. Some parents are expressive about their state of mind, and some are concisely calm and quiet about the new life changes. Some are vocal about their journey, and some prefer to quietly enjoy themselves. Although the world happily celebrates the birth of a baby, the birth of a parent is a turning point.
A baby quietly bestows responsibilities, demands attention, asks for all the love and care, and most importantly questions a parent’s ideas of self and life! A parent evolves with the baby.
The role of past experiences-A flashback Life!
Overnight, a new parent starts gathering all possible resources to strengthen their body, mind, and soul. In order to nurture the little human, a parent seeks support from their partners, family, and friends. Everyone collectively gathers to share little pieces of information. Clearly, everyone is reflecting on their past.
In order to begin a life as a parent, past experiences as a child have been identified as the first tools to begin. The flashback could be pleasant or unpleasant. Parents are clearly reliving their childhoods but with an adult perspective!
The mighty impact of past experiences
Past experiences are major influencers in parenting styles. Experiences at home, at work, with friends, in communities, and through social groups affect the way a parent performs their role as a parent.
-Past experiences could affect the way a parent interacts with the child
-Past experiences could interfere with the way a parent responds to the child
-Past experiences could interfere with perceiving situations objectively
-Past experiences could act as triggers giving rise to conflicts thereby affecting the child as a person
-Past experiences could also turn into great lessons if interpreted consciously
-Past experiences could act as little pieces of information to solve life issues
-Past experiences could act as tools to sense danger and to plan ahead
-Past experiences could affect the way a parent understands their own self
-Past experiences could act as alarms and alerts during a crisis helpful in decision making
-Past experiences could act as opportunities to introspect, rethink, redirect, and reestablish as a parent and as a person. To be better!
Dealing and Healing with past experiences
There is a sheer possibility that parents’ past experiences could bring back pain, trauma, and bitter experiences Parents could experience triggers that could be displaced on children through everyday experiences. In fact, bitter experiences between parents and children could also interfere with the way the bond evolves.
It is important to heal and deal with past experiences, this is how one can begin.
…Quietly observe yourself- As individuals, it is important to be mindful of our actions around children. Evaluate how the emotions are expressed, think about how hard feelings are communicated, and analyze how you present yourself during strenuous and happy situations
…Take a time-out when triggered- The times when you feel you would experience anger, aggression, or violent thinking and actions due to any situation involving children or otherwise, abruptly pause, and leave the space to breathe and try to shell it out by engaging yourself. Bitter words and acts are actively remembered by children
…Do your job objectively- Although past experiences or influencers in and around us affect the way one parent, it is crucial to be objective with children. Hear their side of the story, focus on what you can control, never ignore what they have to say, avoid bringing past situations to the forefront, and deal with the here and now!
…Seek help! – If emotions are hard to control, it is indicative of feeling overwhelmed. Outbursts, often are hard to control and once released take one on a guilt trip. Seek help if you are going overboard, seek help when children start picking up negative behaviors, seek help when children are experiencing and seeing things exactly the way you do, and seek help when you are struggling.
Past experiences are constant add-ons. They travel parallely as one grows. A bitter past experience of a parent may become a fresh new experience for a child. They have the power to positively or negatively scaffold. They affect the parent-child relationship.
Be informed. Observe Yourself. Choose wisely. Nurture children with positive experiences.
