You see a group of children having a gala time, acting as if they have found their tribe, committed forever. Just then, you notice some hustle, crying spells, petty fights, some power show, and sadness over one single toy! That toy in demand is a source, a root cause, a culprit that evokes parents to lecture their children over the complex concept of ‘sharing’. Parents view these situations as opportunities to teach children about the act of giving, sharing, taking turns, and maintaining harmony.
But, would you as an adult share something quickly? Do you remember the times when you got a bit anxious about sharing your brand-new gadget, your favorite game, a book, or an accessory? Or terribly worried about something you lent to a friend and desperately waiting for it to be returned?
Sharing is a complex collaborative goal. Much of parenting is built around the assumptions parents make. Adults have a tendency to ask children to engage in gestures long before they’re ready! As a parent or as a responsible adult, it may seem easy to bluntly tell children to share, but it is hard to implement.
Before you strongly suggest children share understand this:
1. Three and four-year-olds are not huge fans of sharing. So, play dates could be eventually a mess, but could get better.
2. By age seven or eight, children do develop altruism and the desire for things to be fair and know the idea of equality.
3. Children are attached to things, stories, people, and places. The concept of this attachment has been to taught to our children by us, over time. Let’s see – “Can you bring YOUR plate?” or ” Hey! You are playing near MY laptop!” or “I got a toy for YOU!” Such statements teach that things belong to you. They are yours!
With this feeling ingrained, detachment becomes difficult, giving away belongings is hard, and there is a fear of losing the connection. They are attached to the emotions associated with the toy rather than the toy itself! Well, we told you it’s complex!
4. Sharing is often surrounded by many aspects such as trust, fear, and security. Hence, it is vital to understand that learning to share is a process. It develops in phases.
5. It is okay ‘not’ to share sometimes. Enforcing sharing is not a good idea, carefully addressing the process is important.
With children, it’s important to explain complex concepts with subtlety rather than enforcing it. Researchers suggest there is a big difference between making children share and encouraging children to share, and this distinction is critical.
Here are the top three perspectives for you with regard to encouraging sharing:
1. Do not be in a hurry to force sharing. Forced sharing builds resentment. It makes sharing annoying. It doesn’t teach generosity; it stifles it. Children may learn otherwise and refrain from sharing the next time due to the hard experiences attached. Instead, talk about turn-taking which creates equal opportunities. It encourages waiting patiently and delaying immediate gratification.
2. Emphasize child-directed sharing. Providing power, and authorizing them to decide works well with sharing. Children can be given options and allowed to make a decision. It teaches positive, yet polite, assertiveness. This idea supports the fact that sharing must happen with consent and understanding. With this approach, we can increase fair treatment and satisfaction by allowing children to make their own sharing choices. It could be a yes or a no. (Be prepared to be OK with their decision even if you don’t agree with it)
3. Encourage willful sharing. We can still sow the seeds of goodwill while refusing to make children share. With time, children understand the cause and effect of sharing. There could be numerous events where they would have to take turns, get attracted towards other children’s toys, and eventually realize that sharing has benefits and learn the knack of it. It is important to talk about how the other child could feel if the toys or objects are not shared and vice versa.
Parents must refrain from dictating children to share and expect immediate gestures. Children have to be taught the language of sharing, the need, and appropriate ways. It is vital to address their concerns of ‘not sharing’ and convey that you care and support their perspective.
After all, sharing is caring, sharing happens with consent and sharing is a two or many-way street!
Cheers!
